Voice of Abandon Read online

  “You’re fortunate. Not many people get to live their dream.”

  He nodded. “Sadly, yes. It’s a treasure I hold on to and remind myself every day.”

  “I’m sure your family must be proud. Not to mention your girlfriend.”

  “Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend. At least not any more. We…” He continued walking, swallowing deeply as if to choke back an emotion. “She died shortly before we were to get married.”

  Julianna felt something inside of her drop. “I’m so sorry, Andrew.”

  “I guess you could say I kept what we had alive in my music and I hadn’t felt like my emotions were really mine unless I was playing.” He stopped near the backwoods that lead to the surrounding gate.

  In the silence, a rush of water could be heard in the air. A small stream sat nearby and Julianna had to bite back her words to venture there just to look at the water like she used to do when she needed time to herself to think.

  “That is, until I saw you.”

  She looked up at him as he spoke his words. The bright blue of his eyes sparkled as he looked at her. His pale boyish gaze fixated on her as a small wind blew, brushing the wave of brown that draped across the side of his brow.

  Andrew laughed a nervous yet giddy sound that reverberated across the trickle of the stream. “I’m sorry. That was forward of me. I know I shouldn’t.”

  “No, please.” Julianna quickly looked away as she brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I appreciate your honesty. It’s been awhile since I actually felt alive again. Or felt anything since Frederick, my husband, died. I know what you mean. It’s as if you shut down everything unless it was tied to a memory of them.”

  “Exactly.”

  She peered up at him, watching the brush of wind play with the strands of his hair, moving it back and forth. “But when I heard your music, it was the complete opposite. Like a window opened to a new morning or something like it. Watching you…it’s as if I knew you, felt you.” Her face grew heated. Did she just say that out loud? “Oh! I’m-I’m sorry.”

  “Julianna-”

  She grabbed her face and her cold hands warmed upon impact of her heated skin. Why did she said that? Quickly she turned away but felt Andrew’s hand on her arm.

  He chuckled again. “Julianna, if there’s anything I want you to be, it’s honest with me.”

  Julianna’s breath caught as she realized just how close they were. Andrew held onto her hands and leaned close to her. Suddenly the world slipped away. The slight rustle of leaves in the wind mixed with the trickle of the stream not too far away. Andrew’s lean muscular frame towered over hers and she felt herself drawn to him as he was to her. He raised his hand, brushing it against her soft skin. Slowly he closed the distance between them and she felt his warm lips upon hers. Fire rippled through her body as she pulled him close. His lips teased against hers and she felt them slightly coax hers open. She brushed her tongue against his and felt a tingle throughout her body. She couldn’t believe how comfortable, how right this felt to be in his arms. But she shouldn’t feel this way. Frederick had only been gone….Frederick.

  Julianna pulled away and immediately felt the cold air surround her, devoid of Andrew’s warmth. Reluctance and guilt slammed into her all at once as she looked at him. She quickly bit her slightly swollen lip, still warm with Andrew’s kiss. His brow wrinkled and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Finally, he found his voice.

  “Julianna, I’m-I apologize that was forward of me, I know.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” She moved toward the house then stopped, turning toward him again. No matter what happened, she couldn’t forget her propriety and manners. She held her head high and gathered what little strength she had. “Andrew, I enjoy your company and I-”

  Her brain froze. What could she say? I loved kissing you and I didn’t want to stop? I wanted to feel your body against mine and your hands all over me? She couldn’t want this. Not when her heart still belonged to Frederick. Though he was still gone, his presence was very much alive.

  “Julianna, I know what it’s like to lose someone. It feels as if they’ve never left. In a way they always will be because they live in your heart. But it’s not guilty if you love someone else.”

  “And how many have you allowed yourself to love?”

  Andrew froze as his gaze fell.

  Julianna already knew the answer. He hadn’t opened himself up to anyone before. It was just him and his music.

  “I haven’t kissed anyone but you since I lost her. I haven’t allowed myself to…feel for anyone since then. Not outside of my music.”

  Julianna shivered hearing his words. She wasn’t sure if it was the cold air or the words themselves but suddenly she felt very naked despite her designer cashmere sweater and loose linen slacks. The sound of thunder rumbled in the distance and she knew rain wasn’t too far. She turned toward the house and started back.

  “I won’t distract you.”

  “You are not a distraction.” Andrew raced in front of her and lightly grabbed her arms. His blue eyes pierced hers and Julianna almost swore there was a fire in them. “I’m not presumptuous enough to say that there’s something happening here. I’m just a violinist and you’re a princess of a country. Above all that, I’m still a man and you’re a very beautiful and sweet woman. I know you felt something here, too. Or else you wouldn’t have stayed.”

  Another rumble of thunder in the distance. A sheet of rain started and Julianna peered up through the cold drops. Still, Andrew didn’t waver as he held onto her. “We should go back before they ask about us.”

  She moved away from him, again regretting the distance she was putting between them.

  “Julianna,” Andrew began once they reached the back veranda of the large mansion. “I want you to know I’m here for you if you ever need me. For anything.”

  “Doesn’t it scare you at all to feel…this?” she gestured between them. “I don’t know what’s happening, Andrew. I enjoy your company but it feels as if I have a duty.”

  “And you do. To the people of Welshire and to your family, I’m sure. But you also have a duty to yourself and I’m sure Frederick would want you to be happy in whatever means that would be. Don’t shut yourself down, Julianna. I did that once and nearly closed myself off, even from my music. I saw your face at the concert. Something broke into your heart and touched you. It was like you came alive again.”

  She watched him through the hard, thick drops of rain pattering onto the green grass. Andrew’s hair was wet and his clothes were nearly soaked but he didn’t seem to care. All he cared about was the words that he gave to her and the hope he carried in his voice. He reached up to her cheeks and slowly leaned in, gently kissing her on side of the mouth before gazing into her eyes once more.

  “I don’t want you to lose that feeling. Because in that moment you made me believe that anything was possible. Even to care for someone again.”

  Julianna’s heart beat beneath her chest as she looked at him.

  “Julianna.”

  The high comforting voice quickly brought her back down to Earth and she stepped away from Andrew. She peered up at her mother-in-law and through the doors she could see the party gathering to move toward their cars in the front.

  “Come along, dear,” Marie Caroline waved her in. “The guests are leaving and we should see them to the door. Quickly now, or you’ll catch yourself a sniffle.”

  Julianna didn’t turn to look at Andrew as she rushed inside.

  “Ah, Mr. Graham, thank you again for coming. Your presence is always welcome to our…”

  She didn’t hear the rest of Marie-Caroline’s words behind her as she felt a warm blanket wrapped around her. Pulling it close, Julianna turned to find Phillip standing behind her, a look of concern on his handsome face.

  “Thank you.” She couldn’t deny the warmth she felt as he rubbed her arms and moved in close to her.

  “Awfully cold outsid
e, hmm?” he said, his voice deep as he peered down at her.

  She nodded. “Very much so.”

  A hint of his spicy musk cologne enhanced his male scent and she found herself warmed by it even more. She looked up at him and peered into his eyes. A smile crept upon his face, forming a faint set of curved dimples on each of side of his mouth.

  “Warm?”

  “I am, yes, thank you.” She quickly moved away, desiring the feeling of being alone with her thoughts more than ever. First, there was business to finish.

  “We better go see the guests off,” she said running the towel over her hair. Before Phillip could respond, she departed the hall, with the sound of her heels click clacking against the tiled floor.

  After seeing the guests off, Julianna quickly showered and dried off. She didn’t bother to blow-dry or put a hot iron through her hair. Instead she let it dry in its natural curly state and brushed in a bit of conditioner to moisturize it overnight. The last thing that was on her mind was hair grooming and the first thing was the kiss that still haunted her.

  Andrew’s kiss.

  The past few days had been an occurrence of one happening after another. She had almost left before attending the concert. If she had, she would have never seen Andrew. That first moment he played a note, he had spoken to her. He shared with her a piece of him that he had lost long ago. And now they had shared a touch, one that she still yearned for.

  She hated herself for it. She shouldn’t be feeling this after the death of the man she had grown with, loved and had shared her life with Frederick. The moment she saw him she knew they were meant to grow old together.

  Julianna climbed out of bed, tired of trying to get her mind to rest and sleep. The rain still fell upon the green grasslands and tap tapped against the tall window, leaving streaks of clear drops on the glass. She peered out, overlooking the landscape against the dimly lit night. Her body shivered beneath the thin white gown she wore and Andrew’s music still echoed in her mind as she replayed his kiss. The tingle of his lips, the close warmth of his body near hers. The visions mixed with the soft sounds of his notes he played with such vitality.

  “You also have a duty to yourself and I’m sure Frederick would want you to be happy in whatever means that would be. Don’t shut yourself down, Julianna. I did that once and nearly closed myself off, even from my music. I saw your face at the concert. Something broke into your heart and touched you. It was like you came alive again.”

  And she had. She never felt more alive than hearing Andrew’s compositions. He laid his heart out in each note, each stroke of his bow against the strings and even before he vocalized the words to her, she knew he had once closed himself off. But he could never do so when he played. It was his heart, his life and he had shared that very experience with her.

  And then there was Phillip’s subtle yet impacting proposal. Sure she was comfortable in his presence and somewhere deep down it would have been right to take him up on his proposal. It would keep her duty to the people of Welshire and she would be watched over by Frederick’s brother. There was no other man he could have trusted more. This had to be more than her heart at stake. After all, she had given a promise of duty when she married into the family and their lineage. She sighed. So many emotions and thoughts crowded within her at that moment.

  The music, Andrew’s music was a testimony of the pain she held for too long now. But it was nowhere near the release she needed. Why should she succumb to it? Why should she allow herself to sleep in an empty bed left only of memories and the ghost of a man who left her?

  No, died.

  Left!

  Died…a faulty, delicate diseased heart that gave out at his young age of thirty-five.

  And why should she allow her body to rest upon the sheets that still smelled like him, felt like him and still held the ghost of him? Why should she give in to the satisfaction?

  Julianna went back to her bed and slipped between the sheets. She breathed in Frederick’s comforting scent and allowed her mind to fall into the pillow of his arms once again. Arms she would never have the chance to cuddle into.

  Suddenly her blood began to boil. Her face grew hot and her hands tingled with a threat to tear, break and destroy. That would teach him. That would teach him for leaving her alone.

  Then, as if her emotion had a mind and power over her body, she climbed out and tore the sheets off the mattress. She punched the pillow off the bed with every ounce of strength she had, knocking the soft bag of feather against the lamp which crashed over to the ground. The room was shrouded in darkness with only a dim moonlight’s path broke through the clouds to light her way around the room.

  Her sobs filled the air. Her small hands gripped the ends of the bright white sheet and pulled it apart with all the strength she had left. She didn’t think of the story she would have to explain later. Nor did she think about the unkempt room that would normally offend her design sensibilities. She focused on the desire to hear the sickening rip break through the silence.

  Julianna screamed, releasing the tension from deep within. Only the exhaust of her tears and the air within her lungs would allow her the release that she held all day. Slowly she slid down to the floor, feeling the cold wall through her thin nightgown. Months ago she thought about ending it all. They would find her asleep in forever slumber, lying on the floor of her room with a peaceful look on her face. The tabloids and papers would have a field day; first losing their beloved Prince Frederick to heart disease and then their Princess Julianna to self-inflicted wounds.

  She chuckled through tears. She would probably live and be declared insane for this abomination in the eyes of the Lord for an act of sin she had almost committed.

  But now it was different. There was something holding her here, telling her to try and grasp at that life again. She couldn’t place the feeling but there it was in her gut and in her heart, tugging at her for attention just like a small child.

  And then she heard it once again.

  The sweet violin sounds that drew out soft notes of the songs she heard earlier. It was as if it was coming from outside her window. Julianna pulled herself up and rushed over, peering down to the courtyard around. Deep in the distance of the field and through the sheet of rain and past the gates, she saw a figure moving with great vivacity. A hand rapidly moved a bow rapidly across a violin.

  The sound of the music was faint but she could hear it as if it were loud and clear in the room with her.

  Her mind was blank as she reached for her robe and raced to the door. Outside the halls were empty and Julianna was glad she hadn’t awoken anyone. Thankfully, the walls were pretty thick and the rooms were spread apart. So no one heard her recent outburst. The palace night guards stood at the front gate. Fortunately she could sneak out the back and remained unseen. One thing was for sure, she knew was she had to see Andrew…even if it was one last time.

  Chapter 4

  The moment he began playing, all doubt and thought left Andrew’s heart and mind. The soft music of Ponce’s Estrellita filtered through the air and the rain even seemed to slow to allow the music to soar above its sounds. On the drive up, he didn’t know what he was doing or if this was even sane. He followed his gut because he knew deep down that the look he saw in Julianna’s eyes wasn’t false. She had felt something for him. She wanted to be close to him as he did her. And yet he knew the hesitance from still loving someone else who was there right in front of his eyes one moment and gone the next, never to be seen again.

  Once he had opened himself up, he almost lost the one thing that mattered to him, until now. Once he saw Julianna it was as if a spark had turned into an ember. Although he had to leave, he couldn’t do so without seeing her once again. No matter what was happening between them, he wanted to hold on to it for however long he would be allowed.

  As the soft notes filled the air, he finally opened his eyes and saw a figure and a flash of white rushing toward him. He smiled. Julianna did hear him after all.<
br />
  Julianna felt her heart racing beneath her chest as she watched Andrew play. Momentarily he would close his eyes to the music and then open them to look right at her. He spoke to her through the notes with each stroke of his hand. His body moved to and fro as his hands took on a life of their own, all the while he watched her with each step she took near him. She remembered the song, Estrellita by Manuel Ponce, the Mexican composer. It’s soft serenade ending in a whisper against the calm wind.

  The moment he finished, he placed his hands at his side, a bow in one hand and his violin in the other. Julianna didn’t know what to say or do. The look in his eyes told her he was glad she came and he was here…for her.

  “Julianna…”

  The sound of her name on his lips and his deep voice sent her heart leaping within her chest. She went to him, ignoring the cold rain beating down on her, the cold wind whipping against her and the wet grass beneath her feet. She grabbed his face and brought him to her, kissing him deeper than she ever had before. She felt his arms around her, caressing her body through the thin nightgown, under the thick robe. He held her to his body, hard with strength and yet soft with a loving sensitivity as he kissed her deeply. She welcomed the heat that whipped through her body and pressed against him.

  A soft groan slipped into the air but she didn’t know if it was from her throat or his. This felt right.

  Gently he coaxed her lips open like he had before and brushed his tongue against her own. She felt his warm hands around her waist, her stomach and her breasts that warmed to his touch.

  Then he broke away and held her in his arms tightly, rocking back and forth with her.

  “Andrew, please don’t stop holding me,” she whispered against his ear.